The Devil's Law Dictionary by Harold A. Justman
	Ambrose: The first name of Mr. Bierce, the author of “The Devil's Dictionary”, a book of cynical definitions published in California before laws were regularly enforced by the courts. Arbitrator: One who is openly paid by the parties to a dispute so that there is no apparent personal advantage to him or her from favoring one side more than another when rendering a binding decision. Attorney: A person who has passed the bar exam and cannot be proven to have moral turpitudes. Attorney in Fact: A person appointed by a principal as an agent to dispose of that person's principal without regard to any principles. Bar: An organized group of attorneys. It is believed that attorneys in ancient times met at bars; hence the name bar. See also, State Bar: An organization designed to discipline attorneys who presently practice the ancient tradition of frequenting bars. Bailiff: A peace officer sworn to watch and listen to what attorneys or juries do in a courtroom and to ignore what a judge does. Client: A person (including, but not limited to, a legal entity) who expects a lawyer to help him, her or it tell a story in a way that it will be believed by a judge or jury; also, a person who expects a lawyer to advise it on how to do what it wants to do; also, a person who wants to be told why what it has already done is not unlawful. Common Sense: Wisdom based on life experiences and not book learning. Common sense is rarely found in the common person. Compromise: To settle or adjust one's principles for the sake of monetary principal. Court: A hall of injustice. County Clerk: A non-attorney who decides whether or not an attorney can file legal papers; his or her decision is neither reviewable nor appealable to an attorney or judge. Court Clerk: A non-attorney who decides whether or not an attorney can see the judge in chambers; his or her decision is final. Cross-Examination: To pose questions to a witness until the features of the face of the witness change in a way that reveals the character of the witness; also, to pose questions which elicit illicit statements. Defendant: A person (including, but not limited to, a legal entity) who does not believe it would be fair to make him or her or it suffer the consequences of his or her or its acts or omissions. Direct Examination: To pose questions to a witness until the witness tells the story which you rehearsed with him or her before trial. Evidence: Statements (whether written or oral), documents, audiotapes, pictures (whether still or moving), and things which a judge will consider or let a jury consider in a court proceeding. Experience: The life of the law as opposed to logic, which is disfavored by judges and jurors. Expert Witness: A witness whose special knowledge, skill, experience, training and education on a subject is beyond the common experience of the judge and/or jury so that he or she is permitted to argue the case to the jury before closing arguments; also, a paid witness brought in shortly before trial by an attorney to share the blame in the event of a loss at trial. Fee: The agreed upon recompense to a lawyer for the performance of legal services; often subject to continuous renegotiation; fees can be expressly contingent upon the outcome of the litigation in which case the fee is a percentage of the judgment; when fees are set on an hourly basis then their payment may still be, in the eyes of the client, contingent upon the outcome of the litigation. File: The act of cajoling a county clerk into placing your pleadings in the court file. Forensic Science: That science which teaches the application of scientific knowledge to arrive at a proper legal conclusion which is predetermined by a lawyer.